June 24, 2004
example, the Thinker may not see the point in a quiet evening of candelight and wine at the restaurant where he first proposed as a way to celebrate their anniversary. However, he now has information—objective data—that it is important to his partner. Therefore, he can proceed to make such arrangements of join his wife in them.
Similarly in the car example, it may make no sense at all to him that his wife cares about how color expresses her personality or that she wants to share the adventure of shopping with him, but he now has the data that these things are important to her. He can act on the data and include her in appropriate ways.
The Feeler, however, must accept the obligation first of recognizing that when her partner seems unromantic or detached, her partner is saying nothing at all about his love for her. Rather her partner is simply making decisions in a way that feels natural. By giving her partner information about what she really wants, the Feeler can allow her partner to make an informed thinking decision to try to give her what she wants. This “stretch” for the Thinker comes 1) out of his analysis of the simple data that x or y is important to his Feeling partner and 2) out of his love and commitment to and desire to care for his partner. In, short we each need to be clear in sharing with our partner the things that make us happy and the things that make us feel loved. If we leave our partners to mindreading, we will be disappointed—I guarantee it.
Kenneth Sprang, MA, JD, and Carol Sprang, MA, RNC, LCPC direct Bethesda-Chevy Chase Counseling & Consulting in Bethesda, offering Imago Relationship Therapy, relationship a n d e x e c u t i v e c o a c h i n g , i n d i v i d u a l a n d c o u p l e s c o a c h i n g a n d c o u n s e l i n g , a n d b u s i n e s s firstname.lastname@example.org. consulting (301) 907-3377, 93. services. ext.