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Three family members, owners of Supply Depot Inc., have pleaded guilty in federal court to selling substandard wire rope to the U.S. military for use in missiles, the F-14 Tomcat, B-1 bomber and other hardware. Although the material did not cause any accidents or malfunctions, it required the grounding of aircraft when it was discovered, prosecutors said.

MAD COW LINKED TO AL-QOWDA

Ridge Raises Alert Level to 'Well Done'

The Borowitz Report, December 24

Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge revealed today that the U.S. had "credible evidence" linking the recent mad cow disease scare in Washington State to a little known terror group called al-Qowda.

"Little is known about al-Qowda, but we do know this: they hate America, and they really hate America's cows," Mr. Ridge said at a press briefing this afternoon.

While details about al-Qowda's leadership remain sketchy at best, Mr. Ridge said that the leader of the terror group may have had what he termed "a bad experience with an American steak sandwich, possibly at Arby's."

In light of increased chatter from sources linked to al-Qowda, Ridge announced that the Homeland Security Department was raising the nation's beef-alert level from pink, or "rare," to brown, or "well done."

Moments after Mr. Ridge's speech, over twenty thousand suspicious hamburgers were detained by the CIA and held for questioning.

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