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an American, be uniformed, be Jason Fishel!

and political rights. So please, stop ignoring this menace and go out and vote for your republican senators. Completely ignore their platform and their politics and win back the congress so our government can continue violating our rights to protect us from some threat that they are sure exists somewhere. Be

Jason Fishel. If this criticism wasn’t enough, you won’t believe what I came across the other day on reddit.com (a liberal propaganda site ran by Osama and Nazis)! Another criticism of the use of war funds! This so called “report” criticized the U.S. for over paying contractors so that they would in turn fund campaigns. Listen, when a tire bursts you don’t just replace it. You need a whole new truck. I personally think that it is completely reasonable to charge 100 dollars per load of laundry. It is IMPOSSIBLE to get blood and sand out. If someone could promise me that, I would pay two hundred (of taxpayers’ dollars of course). They didn’t see fit to stop their anti-American campaign there. They started to criticize the U.S’s use of private interrogation firms such as TITAN and CACI. Just great! Now everyone is going to know. How are we going to get all the sweet interrogators if the Europeans take them all? Yeah just think about that the next time you want to criticize the government for torturing detainees without giving them access to lawyers or a trial. How many times do I have to spell this out: trials and rights support terrorism. Fast fact: terrorists love civil

that crazy thinking for us. Now that Alberto Gonzales has been clearly established in your mind as the brilliant leader, you can understand my disgust at the Senate Judiciary’s actions. Look, these politicians aren’t supposed to be accountable.Accountability does one thing; SUPPORTS TERRORISM. Think about it, who wants to maximize checks on politicians? Terrorists. That’s why they release all those home videos! So you can see them. As Americans anything vaguely related to terrorists must be heavily condemned (such as mountains and deserts). What makes me angriest is how rude these Democrats are! After telling them that the e-mails they requested were lost, the justice department was chastised! Listen, who HASN’T lost over a thousand e-mails, especially ones that are supposed to be preserved and maintained as public letters? It happens to me all the time, and I know for a fact that it happens to

MAGAZINE My fellow Americans, we are facing a crisis unlike any other. I warned all of you once before, when the Democrats were rearing their ugly Jason Fishel-shaped heads and we did not act fast enough, so they have taken Congress. Now they are just subpoenaing our leaders willy nilly! Alberto Gonzales is a fine attorney general and a great knowledgeable man! There is no fact so arcane that he is not aware of it, for example, the misconception that habeas corpus is insured in the constitution. Just in January he, generously, shared this fact (enlightening those uneducated Democrats) and broke the masses away from the myth habeas corpus is actually in the constitution. Now, some may cite the 2nd Clause of Section 9 of Article One of the Constitution of the United States. Is in the constitution doesn’t mean it’s IN the constitution. See the difference? Yes it is rather subtle, but that’s why experts like Alberto Gonzales take care of all

by Sohail Syed

just be Communists.

kept the people uninformed, like Syed. All this is, my liberal brethren, a sort of wake up call, a call to arms, even. Let Republicans know that we are on to their underhanded scheming! Fight Republican- ism when you see it—heck, fight Republicans when you see them! Just do your best, and well, if all else fails, we’ll

lame. Finally, in terms of the issue of education, yet again the Republicans are inhumane and in general horrible people. Especially Sohail Syed. Republicans are actively undermining education in order to make all of our children stupid, kind of like Sohail Syed. Conservatives try to promote the old “ignorance is bliss” argument, but that’s just as incorrect as trickle-down economic theory. I don’t know what that theory actually means, but I’ll assume it’s dumb. In reality, Republicans know that, if people are educated in politics, they’ll all just be Democrats instead. Thus, they must be

look out. And remember you heard about it here first. Now let’s talk about the issue of gay rights. Do I think gay people suck? Oh, for sure! Do I think they should be routinely hunted down and sold to gladiatorial game shows, in which they are forced to fight with tigers and dinosaurs? That’s just inhumane, Syed. Even you should recognize that. Same-sex couples should have the same rights as other couples, excluding, of course, the right to hit on me. Even if I weren’t for the concept of abolishing all laws, I would still think restrictions on gay marriage were

you conservative puppet, you have been sadly duped. As for the war in Iraq? Republicans are purposefully trying to exacerbate things on that front as well. Sure, a war in Iran, or North Korea, or Lebanon, or Syria, or Jordan, or Egypt, or Britain, or France, or Zimbabwe, or whatever, would be the logical next choice for those fiendish Repub- licans. But if there’s one redeeming thing I can say about Republicans (hint: there isn’t), it’s that they’re never that trite. They would rather “shock and awe” the public, if you know what I mean. I’m certainly familiar with Republican concerns about the “less useful” parts of our nation. A war in North Dakota, Montana or Alaska? Let’s just say, be on the

hardly the worst of Republican transgression. Let’s first take a look at the issue of abortion, a touchy issue in all political arenas. Many a Republican has accused a pro-choice individual of wanting to “kill babies,” or something to that effect. But wouldn’t it shock the pro- life community to learn that their leaders are only against abortion because they need a fresh supply of children to brainwash in order to build an unfeeling, cold and heart- less army they intend to unleash upon the world? Consider it a mix between Children of the Corn and Village of the Damned—a “Village of the Corn”, if you will. Oh Sohail,

are wrong. In recent years, there has been constant discussion of an idea known as “compassionate conservatism.” However, this is a blatantly misleading term, as conservatives are actually incapable of compassion of any form. Additionally, they have tentacles, which they use to lift unsuspecting small children to their clenching mouthparts. But this is

This is why all Republicans, especially Sohail Syed,


by Jason Fishel

Republicans Represent!





May 18, 2007

The Warrior Magazine


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