“You’re being too padantic.” “You mean pedantic?”
If you have a bunch of odds and ends, and you get rid of all but one of them, what do you call what's left?
I don't speak a word of English.
Nothing is true. And that's the truth!
ACTUAL CONVERSATION I HAD WITH SOMEONE:
Girl: There is no absolute truth.
Myself: So there are absolutely no absolutes?
Girl: That's just a paradox that some monk made up. It doesn't mean anything.
Myself: Is that true?
Girl: Yes, and you're being really close-minded.
Myself: Is there any way I can convince you I'm not?
Girl: No, being Wiccan is the best way. Christianity is a joke, and there are no absolutes.
Myself: Does that always apply?
Money doesn't always buy happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have his shoes.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Why did they fire the cross-eyed teacher? She couldn't control her pupils.
I learn one new thing every day. Then, in order not to crowd my brain, I forget one or two things.
An optimist sees the glass half full. A pessimist sees the glass half empty. An engineer says the glass is as twice as big as it needs to be. A homeschooling mom sees the glass spilt. A homeschooling dad doesn't see the glass.
They just came out with a new bumper sticker that both Republicans and Democrats can use. "Run, Hillary, Run!" The Democrats put it on the back bumper; the Republicans put it on the front.
What did the judge say to the dentist? "Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"
One way to rationalize procrastination is to think about it for a while.