Old age is when former classmates are so gray, wrinkled, and bald that they don't recognize you.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong. A tax is a fine for doing something right.
One nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
People who work sitting down are paid more than people who work standing up.
What's a good way to prevent sagging? Just eat 'til the wrinkles fill out.
Found in a fortune cookie: "You are a poor, pathetic fool who seeks advice from foreign bakery products."
It's hard to make a comeback, if you haven't been anywhere.
In the Space Age, man will be able to go around the world in two hours—one hour for flying, and one hour to get to the airport.
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. (If you have a dog :-)
What did the post card from the blonde say? "Having a good time. Where am I?"
What goes "clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop"? An Amish drive-by shooting.
Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the life out of the dog.
My memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Remember, when you go into court, you're putting yourself into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
If you are going to start cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
The young lady said to her grandpa, "I notice that when you sneeze, you put your hand in front of your mouth."